thought I'd start with a nice positive smiley photo.......

because I'm feeling particularly sorry for myself today. The opp i had last Tuesday was purely cosmetic, to perfect my reconstruction, so I guess I'm a glutton for punishment, but I knew that. I am feeling battered and sore and the fluid has come back in the space where my latt muscle should be, like after the mastectomy, on the left side where Mr Searle went in again under the arm to correct the muscle twitching. This is very uncomfortable, especially at night when I'm trying to lie down. So I'm not sleeping.

I have been for a walk. It was a beautiful day today. The air smelt fresh and cold and I began to feel slightly better. Adam is being a loving and sympathetic. I am so very lucky and blessed to have him in my life..... but he's going back to Town tonight and I'm staying here on my own to heal privately for a few days. It is both a relief and a worry to be left alone. I know I am doing us both a favor to create a break in what is a very intense, close relationship . I feel so close to him it amazes me. One really clear positive thing getting cancer has done for me is to show me that Adam does really love me. He has been with me every step of the way, supporting me, motivating me, loving me. I am grateful beyond words for this.

Anyway..... clothes, no worries as yet. Have looked at a few magazines this weekend but not desired anything. I have so much. I can go to several parties, weddings, doo's of any kind this year and be fine clothes, shoes and bag wise. This leaves me time and money for other more important things....like...holidays with the family, stuff for the house and garden...its so exciting and SUCH A RELIEF.

I'm feeling better already. I knew this blog was a good idea.

january 14th

No shopping. Not even a sniff.

I have just had my 2nd breast operation, and it has gone well. I am happy with the thought that my right breast will look the same as the left and that the muscle twitching on the left side will abate now that the lovely Mr Searle has tweeked it.

thoughts....

this time last year I knew I had a wierd lump in my breast but had not told anyone. I was about to go to Africa and I didn't want to spoil the trip. I'm glad I didn't. I had a wonderful time in Africa and my cancer was still found to be stage 1 when it was finally diagnosed on 17th Feb.

Being invalid-ed again now with this relatively minor cosmetic opp has reminded me how far I have come in my recovery from the double mastectomy in April last year. I was nearly back in my body, nearly, not quite, but very close. I was beginning to enjoy walking around naked and feeling free. Now I am back in a horrible corset and feeling stiff and tired again. I am trying hard to dwell on the positive aspects...which are:

I do not have cancer

I have a brilliant surgeon

I have the chance to perfect my reconstruction

I will be comfortable in a bikini for our holiday in March

The pain and discomfort I feel now are nothing compared to what I went through in April

My wonderful body is healing and all is well

I have discovered a huge amount of love that sustains me and motivates me, through this disease.

I am more and more determined to value what is really important.

I have spent today lying around feeling quite sorry for myself coming down from the morphine high of the anaesthetic and feeling stiff and sore....again..... I am sure I will heal quickly. I am so very on the case with my juicing and linseed and general self care. This really is the first time ever that i have truly been good to myself, with no random self sabotaging, and I can't quite believe I am doing it. No thoughts of shopping or clothes...I'm back in a hideous corset and my pj's....

january 4th and I haven't been shopping. wouldn't have anyway so nothing new there. In truth, I don't "go" shopping. I have always been irritated beyond belief by all things shop-y. the heat, the smug looks, the smarmy approaches, the tiny changing rooms, the other people.... no, for me it was the internet that got me going....starting with Net a porter and progressing to , well, almost anything. I would delight in finding bizarre and ridiculous sites selling stuff, any stuff. From leaf composting bags to pretty hair clips. clothes were the worst though, and the most expensive. the anticipation of the arrival of the box form DHL becomes wierdly exciting... and I can always send it back, right? only I don't. I put it in the cupboard and hope I'll wear it while knowing I won't.

crazy or what?

so glad this is over.

Today is Jan 3rd 2010 and I feel the need to make this year mean something other than another year passed,survived. I have in deed survived a potentially life threatening disease this year and maybe this is what is driving me to make a mark of some sort. Breast cancer is, they say, a disease for those who sacrifice themselves to an unhealthy degree. Without wishing to beat myself up or dwell on the negative aspects of my life, I have called this blog TTYblogger which stands for True To Yourself which is what I aim to be in a conscious and thoughtful way from now on.

I want to be physically and mentally in tune with positive and healing actions and thoughts. I want to find joy in simply living and not in getting. I am minutely aware of the potential happiness and fulfilment already in my life. I want to concentrate on this. Open it up. Dwell on it and let it bring me satisfaction....... I want to practice loving what is. So......

This year I will not buy any clothes, shoes, boots, accessories, or jewelry.

This is an enormous challenge. I am a woman. I am a woman who cares about her appearance. I am a woman who has been identified by her appearance to perhaps a greater degree than most. I had a modelling careeer in the 80's\90's. I am approaching 50 yrs of age (april 2nd) with all the fears and insecurities this age brings. My body is in good shape for my age so I make myself feel better by buying clothes that look good on me.

So, my resolution for 2010 is to stop spending on meaningless , mind numbing, shiny, sparkly, soft, smooth, bright, tight, sheer, shaped, frilled, blunt, draped, beautiful exciting, calming, validating fineries....... and to look inside.... and to see what I have all around me right now.

I already feel relaxed at the prospect of NOT shopping for a whole year. Yes I know this will turn to panic and withdrawl at times, but I'm excited by a challenge and I want to achieve something meaningful this year after facing my own mortality and fragility in a shocking way last year.

I will keep a blog of how it goes. Any comments welcome.......